Losing two friends in five years has left me terrified of dying.

I still can’t watch the online funeral of my friend who passed away just over a month ago. I get a few minutes in and then I have to close the video. She was only 40 years old, full of all the hopes and dreams you might expect. There’s something about turning 40 too. Women suddenly get really focused on the things they really want. She had told me so much about what was in her future. Children, Career moves, love and a budding relationship with her French pug. We spoke the Sunday before she passed in a fun group Zoom. I hadn’t laughed so much in a week. 2021 seemed like it was going to be a much better year for all of us. A week later I got the call. She’d passed suddenly, unexpectedly, unnecessarily. Writing this still makes me shake.

My other friend’s passing was much less random. She’d battled cancer for two years. She’d been give the all clear after major surgery and chemo but cancer patients are always vulnerable.There’s always a question hanging over you. Will it come back? That question was answered one day when a headache became a coma from which she didn’t wake up. She left two very young children behind, children who would only know her through videos stories and photographs, not the heat of her arms or the smell of her food or the blaze of a love no-one can imagine or describe. Why the hell did she get cancer? She was not even close to 40.

We’re not supposed to die so early. The average life expectancy for women is about 80 years if you live in rich country. And there are plenty of macabre ‘death…