Nigeria for beginners… #008 On Nigerian weddings

I had a very nice wedding. Ok excuse me it was a gorgeous wedding — or so I thought at the time, I’ve since downgraded it to nice after experiencing the full fabulosity of weddings in Nigeria.

Over the past five years I have experienced indoor fireworks, hanging fruit baskets, traditional dancers, celebrity comedians, monogrammed dance floors. an asoebi that cos 100K (just the material) and no-one walks in Lagos but you can enter your wedding in a giant ball as Chioma Otis did when she married blogger and fashionista Noble Igwe.

There were a few very Nigerian aspects to my own London wedding which did I mention was a very nice church service and hotel reception for about 200 guests. There were Nigerians of course plus their bodyguards and PAs (this is a thing). My husband’s family organised beautiful asoebi for themselves as gift bags for guests and then a private reception for the elders round the block, which sounds strange but more of that later.

I very much appreciate having been able to afford to get married at all. Weddings are so expensive. The average UK wedding costs about £12,000 and as you may have seen from that car crash of a TV show ‘Don’t tell the bride’, you don’t get that much for twelve Gs.

Probably the biggest difference with a London wedding vs a Lagos wedding is the number of people who attend. In London a hundred people is considered a lot. Two hundred is a big wedding. In Lagos 200 people is like a secret, rushed wedding where the bride is not approved and already expecting. Five hundred people is normal. A thousand invited guests is big but not extraordinary.

The costs are eye-watering. I once overheard a bride complaining that she didn’t want the chairs everyone else had, she wanted special gold chairs for her guests and it struck me the impetus here is to really put on a show for the ages and push the barriers, not what I tried to do which was spend as little as possible. My friends in Lagos howled with laughter when I told them I got my wedding shoes from the now defunct BHS for like a tenner. I reasoned that no-one would see them and I would never wear them again, why spend £1000 on very uncomfortable shoes I wouldn’t wear again? Anyway turns out that’s not the point and I should keep such anecdotes to myself.

Even in Nigeria there’s a lot of criticism of the extravagance and cost of weddings. Understandable in a country with both terrible corruption and extreme poverty. Families will often take on enormous debt to see their daughter or son off in great style. Did I mention there are usually two or even three grand weddings? A family will often have to have a ceremony in the village, then a traditional celebration followed by the white wedding which can even take place abroad (this can actually be a strategic move to save money, especially when choosing a destination that is tricky for the guests to obtain visas like Australia or Bali.

Culturally though to understand big fat Nigerian weddings is to understand Nigerian society. Weddings and class are a lot more connected here than say in the West where a simple country wedding with 40 guests and a fish and chip reception in the local pub may be considered the epitome of taste and class. A gaudy wedding in a hired castle with hundreds of guests arriving in flashy sports cars and sparkling Louboutin platform shoes is considered chav.

In Nigeria status is a visible thing. Quiet money doesn’t get you far in this country. Class and money are more highly correlated than in Western societies. In the end money crushes every other ideal here and your wedding is probably (for your parents) the biggest statement they will ever make in their lifetimes. It is the most important party they will ever throw. People will remember it forever (so they imagine) and truly understand the power and significance of this family when they attend. The number of guests, the number of VIPS, the number of VVIPS, the brand and amount of champagne on offer, the level of security, the location of the wedding, the price/quality of the aso ebi and the quality of the entertainment and the value and number of gifts distributed to guests. You are the sum of your parts and here they must all be in rapid motion.

One of most fabulous traditionals I attended was that of Senator Its Giwa’s daughter. I was privileged to sit in a room with at last four kings and a similar number of past/present governors. The asoebi was free and the wedding was covered by Hello Nigeria team among other press.

But weddings are not just socially important for the families throwing the celebrations but also for the guests.

“All the men are taken!”, expressed one disappointed guest to me halfway through one wedding. When I pointed out that was far from true she cheered up a little. Wedding makes the world go round in Lagos. They power the economy in more ways than just via champagne tax. The wedding is the equivalent of the debutant ball where you will see and be seen, possibly meet your future husband or wife, build on your social networks and make business connections. As a result women will often spend up to 15K to get their makeup done right and their gele tied for the event. They will easily spend 25K getting an outfit made. Lets not talk of the shoes and handbag. Your aspirations or only limited by your budgets. The table that you are seated may reflect your status, your social network and class. Older women especially get very antsy about where they sit and everyone knows Nigerians are completely contemptuous of wedding seating plans.

I was puzzled and a little disappointed as to why the Nigerian elders abandoned my wedding so early to have their own private party in a family apartment a couple of hundred yards away but after several years of attending Nigerian weddings I understand that young people are generally seated completely separately from older people. It’s not like the UK where families sit together. In Nigeria they do not interact. Tables are often seated by gender too. Men often do not attend weddings with their wives. Within a couple there will often be a gender gap and the husband will attend his friends’ weddings while the wife will will stick to hers unless they are both friends of the couple

I’m lucky enough to have been to quite a lot of weddings since being in Lagos despite not knowing many people or being well connected in my own right. I’ve probably been to more weddings in Nigeria than ever before in my life and ultimately irrespective of the pomp or simplicity all weddings everywhere mostly share the same endearing quality of love and celebration for family and children and the the inspiring commitment involved.